Networking Guide > Lesson 2
Givers vs Takers: How to Network Without Being Transactional
Lesson 2 of 4 · About a 7-minute read · By Lane Kawaoka · Updated November 2026
Short answer
Lead with help, not questions. People can tell when you are only there to collect their CPA’s name or their deal list. Pick the few people you want in your network, learn what they are working toward, and look for ways to help before you ask for anything.
From my own investing
One of the biggest mistakes I made early on was going to my local real estate group. It was not focused on passive investing, and most of the people were young in both age and net worth.
When I started paying to attend events and conferences, anywhere from $100 to $25,000, the crowd changed. People had more skin in the game. They had to take time off, fly somewhere and get a hotel room, and they were much more serious. From there I looked for people with a background like mine: high-paid professionals, and business owners with more than $1 million in annual revenue.
Stop running the question train
So you have gone to a few events, met some cool people, and found a few you would rather not be around. A common mistake at this point is going straight for the goods: who is your CPA, who are you investing with, who should I avoid, which IRA custodian do you use.
That makes it transactional, and people get an icky feeling from it. In our community, people are looking for relationships that last well beyond the first coffee. This Harvard Business Review article on learning to love networking makes a similar point.
Go a mile deep, not an inch wide
How do you go from swapping a few business cards to relationships that run a mile deep? Start by deciding who you actually need in your network, and focus on them.
A target is someone who has influence, a network, net worth or knowledge you need. To narrow your list, answer these:
- Which groups of people does this person influence?
- What are their needs, wants, desires, goals and objectives?
- How can you help them get there?
- What position do you need to be in, from their point of view, to approach them?
- What does someone busy and successful want with another person running the question train on them or taking their time? Think about your next steps from their side.
Personalize it, and do not be like everyone else. Skip quid pro quo. Do things with no expectation of getting something back. If you want to go deeper, read Give and Take by Adam Grant.
Watch: Po and I on making friends after 30 and the unwritten rules of adult friendship (37 min, The Rich Life Podcast, July 2026).
Adders, subtractors, dividers and multipliers
Former NBA All-Star Jalen Rose talks about the financial and social pressure that comes with money and fame. In this interview (jump to 39:50) he explains how he wanted the people around him to see themselves as one of four types: an adder, a subtractor, a divider or a multiplier. Some of us are subtractors or dividers without realizing it.
Adam Grant covers the same idea in his TED talk, Are you a giver or a taker?, and there is a good summary in Psychology Today.
Taker habits and giver habits
Use this list to check yourself before your next event, and to spot the people worth spending time with.
| Takers | Givers |
|---|---|
| Scarcity mindset | Abundance mindset |
| Problem focused | Solution focused |
| Destructive criticism | Constructive criticism |
| Pessimistic | Optimistic |
| Insecure, inflated ego | Confident and humble |
| Uncontrolled anger | Emotionally stable |
| Helpless, plays the victim | Independent, can-do |
| Wanting | Grateful |
| Drama | Calm |
| Lying habit | Truth habit |
| Me first, you last | You first, me later |
| Impatient | Patient |
| Offensive language | Controls their words |
| Afraid of feedback | Seeks feedback |
| Fake | Authentic |
| Uncharitable | Generous |
| Short-term focused | Long-term focused |
| Mean | Kind |
Most events are in person again, but if you network on Zoom, our older episode on virtual networking etiquette with Deborah King (41 min, 2021) still holds up.
Key takeaways
- Going straight for someone’s CPA, deal list or custodian makes it transactional, and people can feel it.
- Pick a few targets, learn what they are working toward, and figure out how you can help them first.
- Be the multiplier: generous, patient, long-term focused, with no expectation of getting something back.
Ask AI about this lesson
Paste this into ChatGPT, Claude, Gemini or Perplexity and fill in the brackets. AI tools can be wrong, so treat the answer as a starting point, not a decision.
I am going to [event or mastermind] and want to meet [type of person]. Using the lesson at thewealthelevator.com/home/guides/networking-guide/givers-vs-takers/ as background, help me think through each person: what they influence, what they are working toward, how I could help them first, and what a natural first conversation sounds like without asking for anything. Do not recommend specific investments or sponsors.
Related reading from the blog
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