Reluctant Spouse Syndrome
Having your spouse on board is critical. I was personally lucky to have gotten to 11 rentals myself and essentially on the road to FI with “proof of concept” achieved before a second opinion came into play.
😅 That does not help any of you…
Sometimes you just have to explain that numbers and that the numbers don’t lie. Industries such as the National Realtor Association, mortgage brokers, and Financial Brokerages of Wall Street everyone who makes a living off commissions from you creates persuasive marketing that is accepted as the truth in America. And tell your spouse to take it or beat it!
Nah just kidding! That was my last joke.
I do have a lot of insights into what works after thousands of conversations with investors like you on what works, does not, and what sorta keeps the status quo while you find a happy medium.
I got my wife to sell her home which barely made any return. Part of it was bringing her to events where she heard it from other people. If there is one thing I learned your spouse will not listen to you because they have seen you walk around the house naked.
Tips to Start
Talk about money.
Benjamin Franklin said, “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today.” I see a lot of couples postponing the conversations and one byproduct is that the other person does not understand how messed up your financial situation is.
Part of the reason why I slightly spam you with so many free educational emails (by signing up for the Club) is that I know there is usually some type of Pain that has brought you to seek a website or podcast like mine. Humans are very resilient and after 1-6 months the pain goes away and you develop a new status quo. And you also lost motivation to mitigate that pain again :( That’s why I need you to get a quick hit of success and see a path forward out of financial bondage.
Talk to your partner about what is going on and do not shield them from pain.
If they understand where you are going (perhaps into a brick wall) and they still don’t want to deviate from the original plan. Then you have a problem there. Perhaps at that point, it is a leadership or communication problem.
For example…
The engineers had a high certainty that the O-rings on the space shuttle Challenger would fail but they were ineffective in communicating this to their management. See how horribly – they explain in this video.
Warning Signs
- Your partner’s spending habits or debt directly inhibit your ability to save money for your agreed upon goals.
- Too much credit card debt.
- They have lost hope.
- They are resigned to working to normal retirement age and just do a job that they have tricked themselves that they enjoy.
Tips to have this Difficult Conversation
If you have any more, please email me at team@thewealthelevator.com!
- Buy an expensive dinner or bottle of wine and do what you need to do to have an intervention.
- Travel offsite, make it special and unprecedented.
- Bring a moderator or another like-minded couple (your network is your net worth).
- Have then talk to another person who gets it (we are products of the 5 people we hang out with most).
- Remove them from bad influences (podcasts, books, magazines, tv shows, people, family, etc.).
- Keep your conversations positive by reiterating some wins while reinforcing where things are going.
- Don’t start with “We need to talk” or “There’s something I’ve been meaning to discuss with you.”
- Focus first on shared goals and then discuss how you can achieve those goals together, reconfirm these goals.
- Don’t point out faults to your financial shortcomings.
- Use “we” or “us” not “you”.
- Re-confirm your common goals – values you both share and what you hope to accomplish together.
- What are your hopes and dreams?
- What aspirations do we share and which are individual?
- What financial steps can you and I take to make our dreams a reality?
- The vision of your ideal life 1-3-5-10-20-40 years into the future and then backward engineer how much it cost.
- Role-play the possibility of you being fired at 10 am tomorrow:
- Be A Good Listener – you are basically pushing your agenda. Remember to listen, offer encouragement, and ask questions. Encourage your partner to ask questions as well.
- Ultimately some people (blame it on the parents) are brought up with different financial DNA or scarcity/abundance mindsets. Nothing is wrong with that! If you are happy where you are then awesome sauce. Maybe I should learn something from that mindset. Although it’s sad to see 4-6M families still in scarcity mode and those $250,000 net worth families content with their 401ks or private money lending. One reason I built this platform would be to empower people to get the 1M folks to 8M and then see what they would create. Most would just purchase YouTube Premium and binge-watch more YouTube videos. In my opinion, when people are comfortable (in terms of money) they tend to give back to others or contribute to the world in other ways.
- Take it slow. We all know that you tore up the Wealth Elevator Podcast at 2.76x speed using the Overcast app but content vomiting “SFH, MFH, MHP, AL, and self-storage in secondary and tertiary markets, IBC, QRP, notes, crowdfunding, oil and gas, land conservation easements, life settlements, take out your 401k tomorrow” in one evening is not advisable. You might have been living in the blue pill state for years maybe decades so take it slow.
- Understand that men are from Venus and women are from Mars. But investors are from both planets as many SPC listeners are Women too. I think part of it has to do that men typically have a bigger ego and don’t want to fail. Thus men don’t want to take any chances whereas women may see it as the right path for their family’s well-being and put the chance of looking silly in front of friends aside for the greater good.
- Check out this podcast with the author of “One Thing” Jay Papasan. Jay does an event for couples discussing goals and I have been trying to get to it. He was on my podcast in 2018 – you can find those videos here.
- Remind them the reason why you are doing this is to create a legacy. Most wealth acquired through traditional means (frugality and saving) will be lost in the next generation. Unless you learn how to create wealth yourself you cannot learn to teach the next generation.
Start from the Why?
About the author
Lane Kawaoka, PE, is the founder of The Wealth Elevator and the author of two Amazon bestselling books, The Wealth Elevator and Simple Passive Cashflow. He spent 12 years as an engineer, bought his first rental in 2009, and left his job in 2019. He built his base in real estate and today is a general partner, operator and fund manager working with a community of accredited investors across real estate, oil and gas, and private companies. His track record: $2.1B of past real estate acquisitions, 10,000+ units acquired, 65+ projects, and $230M+ raised.
This site is free education for accredited investors and high-income professionals whose net worth sits mostly in stocks, a 401(k) and a salary. Start with the guides, the podcast or an event.
This is educational content, not tax, legal, or investment advice. We are not attorneys, CPAs, or financial planners. Please let us know if you need a referral to a CPA, lawyer, or other vendor here.
